Transitioning into the Individual You have Chosen To Be

By Jacqueline Cuevas, Board member for Disability Rights Michigan (DRM) and Public Relations Chairperson for Self Advocates of Michigan

Jacqueline Cuevas is a community activist serving on the Board of Directors for Disability Rights Michigan and the Public Relations Chairperson for Self Advocates of Michigan. Jacqueline is a native of Southwest Detroit, mother of three, and business owner of Junction Party Store. Her experience as a disabled person with mental heath obstacles and a seizure disorder fuels her passion to invite others to redefine their lives, as she is doing, freeing themselves from the limitations that society imposes on them through labels, names, diagnoses, and expectations.

Below she shares her disability story through her writings.

 

Thank you for Existing: Instructions for Developing and Maintaining Self Confidence 

1. Take a deep breath, read the following with no judgment!

2. Copy these words onto a piece of paper that makes you feel confident. It can be blank paper, letterhead, card stock, whatever you can see yourself remembering to hold on to on a daily basis.

3. Take the paper to a mirror and read these words to yourself, believe and repeat!

4. “Thank you for existing, Then, Now and all the ways you’ve existed in between. I’ve loved you; I’ve never stopped. I may not have always known how to be there for you. I was too young, too tired, too traumatized, too scared, too naive. I am more now. Enough to tell you that you’ve always been worthy, worthy of what you haven’t been able to find in others. Worthy of what others have not been able to give to you. That has never been your fault. Thank you for teaching me about myself, it is because of you that I know what I like and don’t like, that I am worth defending. You have discovered what is tolerable and what is not. Teaching me that life is meant to be more than just tolerable. Proclaiming that the intolerable was never justifiable! Thank you for being a sister, brother, daughter, son, teacher, advocate, friend lover! I see you now.! I am present, here, with you.”

 

Sometimes

Well, sometimes I am well
Sometimes I am not
Sometimes my unwell means that I forgot
Forgot my name or how to walk
Stutter my words as I struggle to talk
Sometimes I am active, loud and knowledgeable
Sometimes another moment seems impossible
Sometimes the pain lives, flourishes and grows
It pulls apart the muscles in my body
Separating my fingers and toes
Unbearable pain for which there is no relief
Sharp and constant, causing grinding of my teeth
Sometimes I am believed, supported and understood
Others, I am told I am too weak for adulthood
By weak, they mean disabled, I make them feel uncomfortable
I am too damaged to sit at their table
They sit there in their white coats, pretentious letters behind their names
Casting judgement, projecting shame
Sometimes, I take it, cry and walk away
Sometimes, I puff up my chest and proclaim “Not today!”
Sometimes my chest is on the floor, in a chair or standing upright
They don’t get to tell me which position is right
Sometimes they are educated, committed and concerned
Only it’s too late, my insides have been permanently churned
Scared by their ineptitude,
I am only a paycheck, a way they buy their food
They are as unpredictable as my body, one day for me, the next, against
Sometimes I wish my life was past tense
The cycle exists to be ridden, then broken
With generational change, All should be spoken
The muscles, nerves, cavities, crevices
The trauma has saturated the entire premise
Sometimes I think, others I know
Knowledge that my pace seems slow
I am a discipline, perfected in me
I determine who and how I be
Sometimes I rise on my feet
Sometimes, on my knees
Sometimes I beg and plead
For the strength I already have
Sometimes I strut with confidence, walker behind me, got my back
Sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes left, sometimes right sometimes wrong
Reassuring myself that I write my songs
Sometimes come and sometimes go
I AM JACQUELINE
All the time n that I certainly know!

 

Never Right

Right, left
Right, left
Right, left
Right, left, go
Right, left
Noooo!
Right
Right
Right
Right….ground!
UGH! I hear the familiar sound
Are you OK?
Can you breathe?
“Please don’t touch her, just let her be.”
Call 911!
No please don’t
“Did she bite her tongue, is it blocking her throat?”
Up
Just get up
Up up up
It won’t go that way, up, not right, not left, just down
and again there’s the sound
Mocking me, wailing. They think that it’s going to help
They come out with their jackets, tired looking eyes
What’s going to happen it’s not a surprise
The crowd keeps looking with a sense of relief
They’re all assured with the societal false belief
ma’am can you hear me, do you understand?
My brain tells my body, just lift your hand!
Up, up, up it goes but not without painfully separating and curling my toes
I can hear you, I’m fine!
It’s managed, been 20 years time
YES! I’ll sign the release, get my ID
I don’t need to go there, there is nothing to see
I will continue to live in pain, invisibly.
It’s my pleasure,
Take my liberty