Create a Moment to Thrive – Even When Struggling Just to Survive

By Robert B. Dillaber, former Board Member of Oakland Community Health Network

During times of extreme trauma, such as we are now experiencing in America, we often find ourselves fearful, bewildered, disoriented, and depressed about our future. As I write this article, I am bouncing around among all of those feelings.

Often, I’m feeling helpless to do anything about it – as if there’s nothing I can do to make anything better. Almost daily, it feels like I’m struggling just to survive. I know I’m not alone here either because so many of those I know and care about have described the same feelings to me. Glance up again at the title, CREATE A MOMENT TO THRIVE… You may well be thinking, “How can I possibly thrive if I’m struggling just to survive?” That’s a question I’ve had to ask myself over and over – not just today but for decades.

Why? Because as a person long ago diagnosed with a mental illness, I’ve often had to fight my way through a morass of traumatic and sometime life-threating situations. There were times I gave up and only sheer luck or the intervention of others kept me around to write these words.

Today, as I look back on my 80 years of kicking around on this planet, I see that I learned something very important BECAUSE of that difficult journey. I learned how to create moments to thrive, even as I struggled just to survive. I share that next, for whatever it may be worth. It may be helpful, or it may not. We are all different. What works for one may not work for another. So here it goes.

Little by little I have learned that regardless of what I’m thinking, feeling, contemplating, or doing at any given time, my mind is always in one of three places.

ONE PLACE IS MY HURTFUL PAST – In this place my mind is reviewing and ruminating over my sometimes hurtful past, akin to replaying an old movie over and over. This place creates fear and avoidance.

ANOTHER PLACE IS MY UNPREDICTABLE FUTURE – In this place my mind repeatedly and compulsively tries to predict the future – to know the unknowable. This place creates confusion, frustration, and sometimes fear of not being good enough.

THE OTHER PLACE IS MY “NOW” – In this place my mind is observing and reacting to what is happening at this very moment, second by second. My Now creates opportunity.

WHY DOES THIS MATTER? Because when I’m in the midst of significant turmoil or trauma, my unconscious mind instantly takes me hostage and catapults me back and forth, at a dizzying pace, between my Hurtful Past and my Unpredictable Future. There is nowhere in these two places to thrive, only survive.

So how do I create a moment to thrive? By yanking my mind out of the other two places and landing it squarely in the NOW. Why? Because the moment I’m in the NOW I can ask myself, “What can I do this very moment that will make me feel good?” The answer to that question is exceedingly simple:

I will feel good when I do something I like to do. Something that makes me feel good inside.

 Doing something that makes me feel good helps when I’m just trying to survive. But if I want to create a moment where I can truly thrive, I must add a second element. One which includes other. Let me put it this way:

I create a moment to thrive when I do something that makes me feel good that also makes another person feel good.

Like what? you may ask. I’m not a rich philanthropist so I can’t give someone money to pay a bill or buy a needed used tire. In my case I try to create that moment each day by doing something that costs nothing. Here’s what I do.

I sit outside with my rescue puppy VISA as she does her business. I live in a trailer park where streets are fairly narrow, so cars drive by slowly. One of the things that always makes me feel good is to give a friendly acknowledgment and smile to others – whether I know them or not. So, I give a smile and a wave to those driving by. Some don’t respond but most smile and wave back. Every so often someone even stops to chat a bit.

We all like to be seen and acknowledged by others. So, for many of these people something as simple as a wave and a smile might make them feel good. Maybe it’s a younger or older person who worked all day behind a counter where they were treated badly by some customers. For this individual, a friendly smile and wave of hand might brighten the close of their day. Maybe not, but maybe.

I can only create this moment to thrive when my mind is in its NOW place. If it was in either of the other two places, I wouldn’t pay attention to passing cars. Also, the crabby or sad look on my face wouldn’t make anyone feel better. As I said earlier, this is just my particular way to create a moment to thrive. There a million other ways, depending on the person.

Finally, let me share something totally unexpected and downright amazing that has been happening since I began creating these moments to thrive. Often, after I have done so, another such moment seems to almost magically appear – all on its own.