All My Life I Was Never Quite Good Enough

By Sharon Marie Palmer, resident of Ingham County

I never grew up until I was 34 and entering the foster care system. I didn’t have a voice in this decision. However, in Allegan County I finally found my voice and spoke up for myself. I had no support or resources, but there was hope. There is always hope when all is lost – Just keep Fighting!

All my life, I was never quite good enough. I could never figure out why. My life was different than my three other sisters. However, I didn’t see it that way. I walked with heavy braces on my legs, talked funny with a speech impairment due to my cerebral palsy. I was thinking I was just like everyone else, only slower. I attended school in a different county, hung out with my friends during the school day, and had more freedom at school than at home. The doctors told my mother I would die during my childhood years and to put me away in an institution and forget about me. My mother had protected me as a child. Through my mother’s own determination, she made sure I would receive the best education and therapy possible. My mother was very protective of me as a child. I was sick a lot, traveling two hours a day by bus back and forth to attend schools. She would not let me grow up and take on more responsibilities. However, my mother mentally and verbally abused me; I could not do anything right.

During my teen years the abuse became worse. I could not date anyone or attend any social activities for fear I would get raped according to my mother. My life stopped completely in time except for my homework, which I had to do. While my other three sisters did whatever they wanted to – dating, attending football games and dances – I had to be watched 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except when I was attending school. School was my freedom for me. All my POHI and regular teachers trusted and accepted my cerebral palsy. Why couldn’t Mom? I was afraid of her, not knowing what she might do. Mom had a bad temper. She would scream and cuss at people until she got whatever she wanted. Everyone was afraid of her mean temper. If I was good, according to her standards, I would receive a book, stuffed animals or music. These gifts meant the world to me. It was her way of saying how sorry she was. There was no hugging or encouragement. In my mother’s eyes I was never good enough.

During my first senior year of high school, I received two rare gifts. My grades were up. Mrs. Fredrick, my POHI principal, encouraged me to attend half days at Grand Rapids Junior College taking two courses per semester. I had always wanted to attend college to become a writer. However, with mom’s temper I thought it would never happen. MRS paid for my tuition in exchange for a week at Pine Rest to be evaluated for a job.

I was achieving all A’s and B’s and I thought this was my chance to move out of my mom’s house, to start living my own life. I went to Pine Rest on my own alone to listen to what MRS had to say about my evaluation. According to MRS I was illiterate, though I read a lot. I couldn’t attend college – it was a waste of their time and money. No one would hire me. MRS wrote their findings to my mother. I was completely devastated and lost all confidence I had in myself. Mom was delighted, she used that paper over my head to get what she wanted, including my income, which was her income too. My mother just couldn’t bear the thought of not having any income. I was completely stuck with her and there was no way out.

While my friends were away at college and were everywhere, beginning to live life on their own, my life consisted of reading, watching television, doing needle work, and going everywhere with mom, like it or not. I had to go. I had to wait for her sometimes two or three hours a day in her van, while she went shopping. In the summer I had to sit in the hot van all day, while she sold items at the flea market to make a living.

When I turned 30, I decided that things were going to change for me. No more traveling to flea markets or to Alabama where we spent our winters. In Alabama I couldn’t go outside for fear of rattlesnakes. I had no one to talk to except my beloved chow-chow named Amber. She was my whole life. Then came Lori a few years later. Amber and Lori kept me going. They were my pride and joy. As long as Amber and Lori lived, I finally had a purpose in my life.

In the year 2000, everything had changed again. Mom had memory issues. While she went to bed, I began watching Altimeter Movies on television hoping my suspicions were not correct. They were correct; however, my family didn’t believe me. Mom threatened to kill me and my two dogs or put me into an Adult Foster Care Home. Finally, after four years of my mother’s threats I walked away. During the week I would spend an hour on a treadmill. I could walk a mile. My sister Barb found me. Two days later Amber and Lori were shot by my own mother, and I was sent into an Adult Foster Care Home. I had no voice in this decision. Barb ripped up my mother’s will. She became my payee and stole money from me. I had no support, no voice. I found hope when I thought all was lost. I kept fighting! Today, I live with my husband Paul in Ingham County.