A Love That Never Leaves

By Cathy Kellerman, Board Member for Newaygo County Mental Health & 2nd Vice President for Community Mental Health Association Board of Directors

In this story, Cathy shares about her journey through mental health with her son Chad who passed away in 2018. In writing her story, Cathy says that it does not matter how long it’s been since the actual events took place, because the story never leaves her.

I wrote this up about my journey through mental health with my son, Chad, from blessed memory. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, because the story never leaves me.

My husband and I adopted Chad in 1972, when he was 3 months old. I never used any form of birth control, just never got pregnant. I felt the Lord led us to Chad. He was a wonderful baby and toddler. He never cried. Checking in on him while he slept was the only way I knew he had woken up from his nap.

Chad was so smart and deep thinking, even as a little tot. What a joy he was, and my heart was full to bursting. Then, one day, everything came crashing down. I began getting weird phone calls from women or would answer a phone call which went to a deadline when I picked up the call. Making matters worse, there was a big empty field behind my house, and sometimes, I would see headlights heading for my door, and then the car would turn quickly avoiding a collision with my home. It was a very frightening time. My husband worked second or third shift at Buick Motors. I was alone with my child all night most of the time. I have to say I was married at 18 – very young and very naive. I trusted people too easily, too much. When my trust with my husband was broken, it was very difficult.

Ten years after adopting Chad, I learned I was pregnant. I was ecstatic! I could hardly contain myself. I didn’t want to tell anyone until my husband came home so I could tell him first. When he finally arrived home, I opened up my front door and yelled outside that I was pregnant. His reaction totally burst my bubble of happiness. He actually told me it wasn’t a good time to have a baby, and I should get an abortion. It was totally not the reaction I expected. That is when I realized I had to face that something was wrong.

Chad was 11 years old at this time, and even though I still had my head buried in the sand Chad would tell me something was wrong. One day he was riding his three-wheeler in the field with his dad when a girl appeared. His dad told him she was a neighbor, and he should give her a ride. Somehow Chad realized she was the one his dad was being unfaithful with, and when he told me, he felt so disloyal to me. It took me a long time to get Chad to understand it wasn’t his fault that his dad was unfaithful to me, and Chad was not the cause of my pain. That was all on his dad. But that was just the beginning of all of our problems.

I kept the pregnancy and stayed in the marriage. I went through nine months with absolutely no emotional support from my husband, falling into a deep depression. I could not handle such betrayal and thought about ending my life. At that time my baby moved in the womb shocking me out of such thoughts. Throughout my pregnancy Chad and his best friend were my support. They walked two miles with me every day and kept me company when I needed it the most. When Brett was born, Chad and I were so excited! My neighbor would come over in the morning to get Chad off to school and give me a few hours of sleep.

When I accepted the cheating was ongoing, I could not live that way anymore. The situation escalated and my husband became physically abusive to the point where I thought I was going to die. I believe God intervened at that time. The abuse stopped and I called my sister. She and her eldest son arrived to pick me and my children up.  This began our journey through mental health.

Chad began acting out and developed a love/hate relationship with his dad. I didn’t know how to cope with him. This was 1982/83. When Brett was about 2 years old, I met my current husband, Alex. He was so understanding and considerate. We became friends before we ever dated. He was just there for me and my kids. When we finally married, we had to deal with the effects all this had on Chad.  First, I tried a counselor or two, but they were no help. Chad was too intelligent for them. After Alex and I married, many incidents occurred with Chad. Finally, I had him at the FOX Center at the St. Joseph Hospital campus in Bloomfield Hills. It was a great program that seemed to be helping. Alex. Brett and I met several times for family therapy.

Unfortunately, Chad’s biological dad was supposed to have therapy with Chad, but on two occasions he did not show up. His not showing up was a huge setback for Chad. He was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes and when the allowed number of visits were up at the FOX Center, he was released. He was not ready to be released, but insurance companies don’t really care.

Years passed with many scary episodes occurring. One day Chad threatened to take his life. He was yelling and really going over the edge. His younger brother Brett came out of his room and smashed his beloved guitar while yelling at Chad. I went into the bathroom and called 911. Chad was taken to Gerber Hospital where he was met by a social worker. Unfortunately, the social worker was not very effective at calming Chad down. Upon his release Chad went to his home in Flint. By this time, he was maybe in his 30s and had his own home in Flint. At 3 AM, he called me and didn’t know what to do. I told him to go to CMH in Genesee County. He said he did not want to go alone, but I had other obligations and couldn’t just leave my younger son and drive to Flint. I told him to call his Grandma. I figured she would feel honored to go with him. That didn’t work, but his Dad’s girlfriend accompanied him. It was not all smooth sailing after that, although Chad did like his case worker. In the interim, due to infection, he developed nephropathy, kidney disease, requiring experimental treatment. Chad had two stents in his arteries and ended up going to dialysis three days a week for the next three years.

Alex and I would visit once a month. We’d take Chad shopping, and sometimes buy something special like salmon or crab legs and go back to his home and we’d cook dinner together. He was very interested in food/cooking, so we’d experiment with different herbs and spices or techniques. Other times we would go out for dinner.  Everything was actually going quite well. There were times that the bipolar or anxiety would flare up, but we could always shut it down. Throughout all Chad’s struggles, he managed to graduate from Baker College with a degree in the Health Sciences.  Chad wanted to help others. He never gave into his challenges, always trying to move forward.

Then, one day, I received a call and learned that Chad was in the hospital, on full life support. It seemed he stopped breathing at dialysis, and they called an ambulance. He remained on life support for 48 days. I resigned myself to the fact that I had lost him already, without even a chance to say goodbye. It was a tough time for me.  Eventually I began to accept that this was the end. Then a doctor came in and said we’d have to make a decision soon because Chad was not responding to any treatment.

I was totally floored. I went to the chapel and talked to the Lord for a couple of hours.  A mother can’t be expected to say, “Let my son go. Turn off the machines.” That was just not right. I needed to say goodbye and know that we were in a good place. It was so hard to just let go like that. When I went back up to his room the nurses were getting him set up on partial life support. So, I thanked the Lord and felt so blessed.  He still had a respirator so he couldn’t really talk, but we could communicate anyway.

It was so wonderful to be able to talk and care for my son. We were not exactly out of trouble. Everyday something else went wrong. When they tried to do portable dialysis, his blood pressure would drop dangerously low. He had a bad bed sore at the base of his spine. He could not get up and walk to the restroom without his prosthetic leg. His leg had been amputated years before because of an accident while he was working at a roofing job. As he waited for the nurses to answer his call button, he would have accidents which aggravated the bed sore. The bed sore was stage 4 by then. They performed surgery to reroute his colon and create a colostomy. The surgeon said the infection had spread throughout his system. His big toe on his healthy leg turned black and would have to be amputated. His feeding tube wasn’t working and he lost whatever the nurses put into the tube for nutrition. Then the day came when he looked at me and mouthed, “Mom, please call Hospice.”

I could not argue with him. I know he fought as long as he could for me. He told me so. I told him, “Chad, I loved you from first moment I saw you. I’ve loved you all your life, and when God calls me home my soul will find yours and I will love you through eternity.”

Chad got a big smile on his face, and that is how I always remember him, with that particular smile.